I'd heard of people setting out to 'find themselves,' but I never understood it; I was so secure in my own curated identity, I always knew where I was - smack dab where I was 'supposed' to be.
Now I get it. Or at least I understand what finding yourself means for me. 

My journey to finding myself was not one I chose. It was like the proverbial rug was pulled out from under me. One moment I was Wife, the next I was not.
If I wasn't a wife, who was I?
Fulfilling both traditional male and female roles in my home, in my life, caused me to feel somewhat androgenous.  I lost the uniqueness of being a woman.
With these two things - that had silently and faithfully guided me my whole life - removed from me, it was like I was in a void. It was scary and lonely being in the unknown, and I didn't like being there. 
But sitting alone in this pit gave me time and space to assess myself and my situation. I started asking one question of many of my beliefs about how to exist in the world: "Is it true?" 

• I must be a wife if I am to have value and purpose in the world. Is this true?
• It makes me less feminine, less of a woman (a non-woman), if I do things a man typically does. Is this true?
• I am incapable of doing what a man can do. Is this true?
• I need a husband in order for me to be a complete person. Is this true?

These three little words posed a difficult question, to be sure. But they were challenging me to think about my life-long beliefs for the first time in my life.
I realized that I had a choice to make.  Was I going to continue to live in my existing belief system, to live out of the same world-view? Or was I going to  be open to challenging my definition, my understanding, of oh-so-many things? 
​I chose the latter.
And so began my journey to find myself. To find out who Gail is apart from previous beliefs or external expectations.

From there it was all about building. (I can't even say rebuilding because I'm not sure I ever had - or took - time to figure out who Gail is. Before I was Rod's Wife, I was Bob's daughter. I was never just me.)

• What do I like to do? To read? To eat? To watch?
• What does the role of Widow look like?
• What does it look like to be a woman without a man?
  
• Is it possible for me to be a complete person all by myself?

It's been quite the journey, and stripping down the foundation that my whole identity was built on brought with it it's own loss. I was not only grieving the loss of my partner; I was also grieving the loss of the person I was with Rod. It took some time to figure that out, and a little more time to accept it and be ok with becoming someone new.

Have you experienced a time in your life when you redefined yourself? When your identity shifted - either by choice or by circumstance? Please share in the comments. I'd love to hear and witness your story.

For the first ten chapters, I sat with the emotional palette expressed in each chapter and allowed it to express itself in a doodle that could represent it.  While allowing each doodle to be an independent expression, I saw some progression, a contrast, between the Chapter 3, Identity Shock, and Chapter 8, Widow, doodles. 

The former shows a well-defined path, with the areas off the path being rocky and uninviting. The footsteps show the traveler wearing shoes, indicating an adherence to social norms as well as a lack of contact with the ground itself. The last visible footstep is a partial one; the traveler stepped right off the edge of the cliff into a vast unknown, seemingly unaware that the path had come to its end. There's a sense of preoccupation here, and an inability to alter the present course. 

The latter shows two bare feet, standing still and in direct contact with the earth. These footprints appear to be on the other side of the cliff that our shod traveler stepped off of. This traveler has stepped across a stream of flowing water, and arrived at a new area  which is untrodden, and there is growth all around. The stillness of the traveler's footsprints would indicate that they are observing this new place; perhaps contemplating where their first footfall might be, or maybe looking for other footprints. There is a sense of freedom here, the opportunity to forge a new way, to choose the direction and timing of their own steps.
​
I will admit that some aspects of these two particular designs were influenced by the other. but they each still accurately represent how each of those points on my journey felt to me.