Rod's Widow

What does Widow do?

Where is her place in the world and what is her purpose?

These answers aren’t as clear cut as Wife was in our American society. The cultural norms associated with it are sparse and vague, and, like Widow herself, no one wants to talk about it.​

Image by Sabine van Erp from Pixabay

Widow, best I could figure it out, Widow was a white haired elderly woman living in the same house that Wife lived in with all the furnishings and decor remaining exactly as Wife had them. She spends her days alone, going through the motions of her former life, pining for Husband and biding her time until she joins him in bliss.

​Is this what I'm expected to do with the rest of my life? Is this who I am supposed to be now?!

Oh, hell, no!

If I must play the role of Widow, I will not adhere to these expectations. I will not be the ‘grieving widow’ casting a shadow over everyone and everything with my sad cloud. I reject the pitious greetings and delicate questions, and I refuse to melt away into obscurity.

As I pondered these things, I allowed myself - not culture - to decide what Widow might look like for me. If I wasn’t going to sit in a rocker and watch life go by, what was I going to do? What would  Widow look like for me?

So far, here is what Widow has looked like for me:

• It looks like curiosity. I went back to community college to fulfill that plan we had for me to interpret for the Deaf.
• It looks like decision-making. I sold our house of 23 years and bought my own house; I traded in our car and got my own car; I traveled to another country.
• It looks like creativity. I got out my 30+ year old Singer Touch-N-Sew to make gifts from Rod’s jeans for the kids and grands; I kept sewing and opened an Etsy shop.
• It looks like productivity. After reading stories of fellow widows, I realized I had something to share in a book of my own.
• It looks like compassion. I found that I “was uniquely qualified to minister to a whole new set of people.” Rod said this of himself not long after he was diagnosed. I am happy to have something from him that I could hang on to, that still encourages and empowers me.

Perhaps this is just what I look like now, and Widow is really just one of those bullet points.

The more things I did on my own, the more confidence I gained in myself. The tearful reality that I no longer had anyone to check in with taught me to check in with myself. In this, I was proving to myself that I actually could survive - even thrive - without Rod. Even if I didn’t like the reason.

It’s quite a process, becoming someone else. It’s hard work that involves lots of self-reflection and asking myself questions. There’s a lot of self-discovery along the way, many of these discoveries coming with their own losses for me to process.

​I still haven’t figured out who I am and what I’m all about. But, little by little, I’m finding that the new me - the me after Rod - is not so bad. There are even times when I can honestly say that I like who I’m becoming. And I’m getting to be ok with that.

I may not know where I’m going, but I’m learning who I am as I go, and how to enjoy the journey.

Image by Renan Brun from Pixabay