Identity

Image by John Hain from Pixabay

Losing my partner - and the only life I ever knew as an adult - brought into question so many things I had always believed were just how life was.
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As a woman born in the USA in the 1960s, my role - and my purpose - was clearly defined for me; I was to marry, have kids, and raise a family.  I bought into this narrative so completely that this role became my identity. I was Rod's Wife, and thrilled to be so. 

But where was Gail in all of this?

This was a question I never even thought to ask. I was completely happy as I fulfilled my life's purpose (as I understood it) in my husband and my family. 

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I'd heard of people setting out to 'find themselves,' but I never understood it; I was so secure in my own curated identity, I always knew where I was - smack dab where I was 'supposed' to be.
Now I get it. Or at least I understand what finding yourself means for me. 

My journey to finding myself was not one I chose. It was like the proverbial rug was pulled out from under me. One moment I was Wife, the next I was not.
If I wasn't a wife, who was I?
Fulfilling both traditional male and female roles in my home, in my life, caused me to feel somewhat androgenous.  I lost the uniqueness of being a woman.
With these two things - that had silently and faithfully guided me my whole life - removed from me, it was like I was in a void. It was scary and lonely being in the unknown, and I didn't like being there. 
But sitting alone in this pit gave me time and space to assess myself and my situation. I started asking one question of many of my beliefs about how to exist in the world: "Is it true?" 

• I must be a wife if I am to have value and purpose in the world. Is this true?
• It makes me less feminine, less of a woman (a non-woman), if I do things a man typically does. Is this true?
• I am incapable of doing what a man can do. Is this true?
• I need a husband in order for me to be a complete person. Is this true?

These three little words posed a difficult question, to be sure. But they were challenging me to think about my life-long beliefs for the first time in my life.
I realized that I had a choice to make.  Was I going to continue to live in my existing belief system, to live out of the same world-view? Or was I going to  be open to challenging my definition, my understanding, of oh-so-many things? 
​I chose the latter.
And so began my journey to find myself. To find out who Gail is apart from previous beliefs or external expectations.

From there it was all about building. (I can't even say rebuilding because I'm not sure I ever had - or took - time to figure out who Gail is. Before I was Rod's Wife, I was Bob's daughter. I was never just me.)

• What do I like to do? To read? To eat? To watch?
• What does the role of Widow look like?
• What does it look like to be a woman without a man?
  
• Is it possible for me to be a complete person all by myself?

It's been quite the journey, and stripping down the foundation that my whole identity was built on brought with it it's own loss. I was not only grieving the loss of my partner; I was also grieving the loss of the person I was with Rod. It took some time to figure that out, and a little more time to accept it and be ok with becoming someone new.

Have you experienced a time in your life when you redefined yourself? When your identity shifted - either by choice or by circumstance? Please share in the comments. I'd love to hear and witness your story.